Lord let me get through this day....

Dear Reader,

Ever have one of those days when you wonder how you are going to get to the next minute without losing your mind??? Today is one of those days....correct that....the past few weeks have been like that. I do not know what the heck is up with my twins, but they are hell bent on driving me right to the mental hospital.

The consent bickering between them is mind boggling and the competitiveness is crazy!! We can't do ANYTHING without there being a winner! Who gets out of the car first...who gets upstairs first, who poops first! (ok, maybe not the last one but it sure feels like it). I remember this age being very difficult with my son as well. honestly I don't remember motherhood getting "easy" until around the age of five. Our nine year old is AWESOME!!! Sure he isn't perfect but he is a great kid and we as his parents we enjoy him sooo much.

I know this soon will pass and my little girls will be big...though I am afraid there will always be drama because they are girls and well....twins.
I had a major breakdown after a ill fated trip to target..Thankfully, my great neighbor somehow sensed something was up and came over. So embarrassed that I bawled like a baby in front of her. but she took the kids out so I could gain my composure! it was a help even if just for that moment. Poor girl...i swear after seeing motherhood through my eyes she is never going to have e kids!!!! She sees the good, the bad and the ugly of it all!

I love my girls so much and gosh they are just so cute and I feel so lucky to have them and be with them that i hate when i have these days that I feel like I just would like to runaway and never look back :( So instead of doing that I'll just eat a bunch of homemade cookies...

I'll regret it later...but today is most defiantly a chocolate cookie day!!!

kristen

How would i be remembered??

This week has been a real "thinker" for me. As most of you know, Kim Mendal passed and though i only knew her through my sister-in-law and two years at tot-lot... I've come to admire who she was through the thoughts of others. It was made me ponder , "How would I be remembered if I passed to the other side today?" I can tell you this much, from all that I've read about Kim...I am nothing like her!!! Now I know, I"m sure she wasn't perfect and struggled with things but i have found myself thinking of her often and wondering how i can be more like her.

When I get impatient with my children , I think of how she is the same age as me and will no longer get to hold her children in this life, when I feel like the day is just dragging on, I think of how she will no longer enjoy a nap, a hot bath after a long day....a good book or the simple laughter of her family.

Death always does this to people, it is the true reminder of what is important. THings like those extra 5 pounds that are driving me crazy...are not important. (though i will still keep working them off, having just the right outfit isn't important etc. What is important is how i spend the time with those around me and how i effect those who know me.

Kim, seemed to really get the important stuff in life. I'm happy that even though she died young seemed to live her life well. My heart aches for her children and family who are left behind. I have no doubt that she is alive and well on the other side doing what is being asked of her.

I hope that i have many, many more years with my children and family, i hope that I caN be an old woman, with wrinkly hands, a leaky bladder and that slight smell of medicine and perfume that older people have. I hope I walk slowly because of ripe old age, I hope I die "warm in by b ed" (Titanic) THis blessing I yearn for...but most of all, i hope that when I pass i will have become that type of person kim seemed to be. Loving, warm, selfless, full of service ....I want to touch peoples lives the way she did...of course with my own special touch that only "kristen HOke can provide!

Im still me after all but today I am grateful that Kim has taught me a lot in her death...and I didn't even know her that well. I can't imagine the imprint she has left on those close to her.... I part of me is extremely sad that I never really knew her...for I know that she would have blessed my life.

I'm so thankful that people like her on this earth to teach the rest of us how life should be lived.

Thank you Kim...

kristen

Feeling spiritually nourished...

What a great day at church i had! Aaron stayed home with our crazy girls so i was able to bring Coby and actually hear what the speakers were saying!! It was a dream! I know i only have a few more years until every Sunday will be like this...and then i may be hoping for a distraction!!
A convert to the church spoke about her conversion. She has only been a member for six months and her faith in the gospel just blew me away. It was amazing and made me want to be that much better!
It was such a great part to such a beautiful day. The weather out here in southern California puts me in such a bright mood. I feel so blessed to live where I do, have the family I do, and have the testimony that I do.
Sorry that this blog is a little spiritual today...it's just what was on my mind.
I"m sure next time I"ll be talking more about the craziness of life but I'm going to soak in this little moment of peace and clarity :)

blessings

This week I have a received an much needed answer to prayer. Having the weight of the problem lifted off my shoulders had been wonderful. The minute I received the much needed news it seemed as if the world was shinning that much brighter. The birds were singing that much louder and the air smelled that much sweeter.

It's funny how news can change your outlook on life. I quickly thought of all my blessings and gave a much needed prayer of thanks. My life, though crazy and complicated is wonderful and perfect. Things are as they should be and I'm secure in that knowledge.

Trust in a Heavenly Fathers will is extremely hard for me to do. even though I am NOT a control freak...when it come to his will or mine...I kinda become one. It's hard for my human eyes to see "all" that my father in heaven sees. But though i may do his will "kicking and screaming" i DO it in the end.

I know he can make my weaknesses strong...as there is many , and I know i can do anything with his help...i"m just thankful that this time...my will was his will!!!!

Kristen

new year going well....

I'm excited to say that we are going into the third week of January and I"m not yelling!!! Okay, well sometimes, but I've toned it down A LOT, says my son. I think the warm sunny weather has been helping. I love winter, snow and the rain...but when we have a week of 80 degree weather i realize how much my body and mood crave the sun!

Every morning I've heard the birds chirping away and it almost even smells like summer! My kids have played outside a lot which doesn't happen when it's cold and rainy. Though soon I will get sick of the hot sun and enjoying it now!

My only wish would be that our pool was warm enough...that would keep the kids busy for hours!!!

kristen

A New Year....

I'm going to try really hard to be more consistent in writing this blog so that hopefully at the end of the year I can print it out and have a great memory book. We will see how that goes. Life is going well. 2010 was a great year. Girls got bigger, and easier in some respects, Coby had a great time in school and sports, things were ...well just great!

I can only hope that this year is just as good. So far it has been...but then again it is only January 11th! I'm looking forward to summer vacations, coby's basketball games and the girls turning 4 years old. I pray every day that my mind stays sane while i raise these kids! I don't know how others do it? How do some mothers seem to have it all together? I used to believe that i was a person with lots of patience...these kids have taught me differently. I may SEEM to have patience because i don't "freak" out often...but inside I'm boiling!

Needless to say, 2011 will be a year for me to work on my "anger". When I asked Coby how i could be a better mother this year he said. "Not to yell so much"! WHAT! I yell a lot? i thought. To be truthful, I had noticed over the past few months that the tone of my voice was getting higher and higher...but i justified it because my girls are so darn noisy and scream sooo much that I have to "yell' to get their attention.

But Coby is right. I do not want to be remembered as a mother who yelled all the time. So the very next day I hit the Temple! I figured it was a good place to start. And you know what? I didn't yell for three straight days!!! Yea! ....I did last night though :( But at least i am aware of it and i am determined to work on it all year long.!

Here's to becoming a "soft spoken" parent...well at least not a yeller! Ha:)( that's not even a word, i know...but it works for me)

kristen